March 2018 - Preparing For Another Transfer
In March, we were finally able to meet with our doctor for our "WTF?!" appointment. Here the doctor discusses what may have caused the previous transfer to fail and decides on the next course of action.
I love our doctor as she is extremely sweet and thorough. This appointment was almost two hours long. She discussed every little thing that could have possibly gone wrong so that we could change it for our next transfer.
Since I responded well to the medications, those would stay the same.
Our embryos were highly graded 5AA blastocysts, so we don't know what went wrong there.
I did an endometrial scratch (soooo painful) before transfer, so my uterus was supposed to be extra "sticky" and thick. My lining was perfect. That wasn't the problem, either!
However, she said that my last transfer was not a "typical" transfer. It took a lot longer than usual (1.5 hours versus the typical 10-20 minutes). Also, I was in pain. I was so excited to have my embryos back "home" and I didn't realize that the pain wasn't normal. However, she said that if my muscles were having spasms due to pain, they could have pushed the embryos out.
In order to prevent this the next time, she wanted to put me to sleep for my next transfer. That means two things: one, more money since we pay out of pocket and now need an anesthesiologist; and two, Trent couldn't be there since it has to be done in an OR.
Finally, she wanted me to have another hysteroscopy just to make sure there weren't any polyps hiding as well as another endometrial scratch. We scheduled both and agreed that I should be put to sleep for the transfer.
The last thing we had to decide was how many embryos to transfer.
We went into the appointment wanting to only transfer one. We felt like since we transferred two the last time and it failed, we "wasted" one.
We had 6 embryos left:
- 5AA
- 5AA
- 5AB and 5AB frozen together (pair 1)
- 5AB and 5AC frozen together (pair 2)
When it was time to decide which embryos to transfer, I didn't even want to say what I was thinking to my doctor and Trent. As we started discussing it, I sat there quietly. Trent was relaying our desire to only transfer one, and my doctor was pushing the transfer of two. She said it would improve our chances and we could "make the most of the transfer" by transferring two again. Suddenly, Trent says, "Well, if you really think we should do two, we should do the two that are already frozen together." My doctor said it was a great idea! My eyes lit up. I didn't even have to say that that pair of embryos kept coming to my mind. I started to know that this was meant to be.
Even though we were still heartbroken from our failed transfer, knowing we had a solid plan leading forward started to fill us with hope again.
I had another hysteroscopy (with polyp removal) and another endometrial scratch (ouch).
Our friend also took us to her church to be prayed over.
Another friend told me about a sabadora, a woman who does uterine massage, or moves/aligns the uterus if it is not correctly located. When I went to the appointment, she told me that my uterus was "too low" and that it could prevent pregnancy. She pushed on my abdomen and I literally felt something (apparently, my uterus) slide up. It was the craziest feeling.
I also did acupuncture. Why not add more needles to this process. ;-) Just kidding. I had a bad experience with acupuncture for infertility a few years ago, but this was much different. In a strange way, I found it to be relaxing!
April 2018
When you start a new cycle, you go in for your "baseline" appointment. That is the first day of the "month" and they do an ultrasound and blood work to make sure you are ready to begin.
When we went in for our baseline, we learned that I had a large cyst on my left ovary.
I have never had that before! Ugh!
Additionally, it meant that we had to put off our transfer. My doctor ordered a same-day delivery shot that I took that night to force my body to ovulate and get rid of the follicle (cyst). Then we had to wait for another cycle to do our frozen transfer.
I was devastated. From never having an cyst to having one at the most inopportune time?! Frustrated doesn't begin to describe it. ESPECIALLY when I learned that my doctor wanted me to have another endometrial scratch. The last one wouldn't count since we had to wait for another cycle. More pain, more money, more time before we could do another transfer.
But we did it anyway. I survived yet another endometrial scratch.
Finally, at the end of the April, I had my next "baseline" appointment and I was cleared to begin. We started the medications and the shots and got a transfer day of May 9th. Finally, there was hope again!
Transfer Day
(Pair 1! These are the beautiful embies we transferred!)
I was really sad Trent couldn't be in the room, but we both knew it was better for me to be put to sleep. Besides, who doesn't love a really good nap?!
I cannot describe the utter peace and joy and I had waking up from my transfer.
Like I've mentioned in other blog posts, we've gotten to know the nurses at the clinic very well over the last few years. I remember waking up and asking the nurse, "Courtney, is that you?" She said yes. I said, "Am I pregnant yet?" 🤣 She laughed. I didn't realize how funny it was until later that day when I was fully awake.
(A picture of our embryos and an ultrasound "showing" the embies in my uterus. I felt like Rachel on Friends...I don't see it! But boy did I believe they were there! ;-) )
A few minutes later, Trent came into the room. He handed me the picture of our embryos, or "embies" as we had affectionately called them, and the ultrasound picture that show them in my womb. I was immediately flooded with tears of joy and could not stop happy crying and smiling. Trent sat on the edge of the bed and told me that I looked so happy and peaceful. He whispered in my ear, "I already know it worked, just by looking at you."
I didn't know it at the time, but Trent snapped a picture.
Now let's be real, we only want pictures of ourselves when we look good, right?! When he told me later that I was so happy and peaceful that he took a picture, I was a little peeved. With a hospital gown and a surgical cap, Trent, really?! That's not how I want to remember this!
But then I saw the picture. And while I will be the first to stay it is NOT flattering and will never become my facebook profile photo (🤣), I am going to share it with you. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and in this case, that couldn't be more true. I literally cannot describe how happy I was to have my embies in my womb and the hope that I could finally be pregnant.
(Sheer Joy.)
Bed Rest
While it is a controversial subject, my doctor ordered bed rest after transfer. That includes no showering for 72 hours after transfer. (They don't want you raising your body temperature). I did five days of bedrest. Trent was able to stay home with me. It was so nice, and yet so weird, to stay home together all day every day for 5 days. Conan loved it. ;-)
We binged watched Netflix, read books, and took lots of naps. One day when Trent had to leave, my mom stayed with me. We watched comedians on YouTube, but mostly we never stopped talking. We didn't even realize we totally skipped lunchtime from chatting so much! It was a special time for sure, and I am so glad we made the most of it!
Speaking of special, we had so many sweet friends send us food. Thank you so much!! We also got magazines and three gorgeous flower bouquets! We felt so loved.
The last day of bedrest was Mother's Day. As you can imagine, Mother's Day has been really hard for me the last few years. Don't get me wrong, I literally have the best mom in the world. I also like to think that I celebrate her all the time. ;-) If you don't personally know the pain of infertility, you can't understand the pain of wanting to celebrate something that should be so natural, yet you can't achieve it. As my friend encouraged me, I held onto the hope that this would be my last Mother's Day feeling this way.
The Dreaded Two Week Wait
The two week wait refers to the time in between your transfer (or if natural conception, when you ovulate) and when you can test for pregnancy. After my bedrest, I still had five days of "taking it easy" before my blood test on May 18th.
On those days I worked from home and tried to do anything at home that I could to distract myself and make the time go by faster. I tried my best not to "symptom spot," but it's hard not to wonder "Did it work?!" with every little twinge or tingle that you feel.
I found a timeline that showed what happens in your body/with your embryos each day after a frozen transfer. I texted it to Trent, my mom, and a close friend. Every day we would pray over EXACTLY what should be happening that day in order for this to result in pregnancy. When I would wake up in the morning, I would have texts from my mom with things like, "Praying for vigorous development of the placentas!" Trent would call me and ask, "How are those embies dividing?!?!" Not only was it fascinating, it was also a great guide for prayer!
I was (and still am) in a facebook group with other women who had their transfer the same day. Many of them were getting positive at home pregnancy tests as early as 3 days after their transfer. This is crazy early, since your body typically doesn't start to product HCG until 6 days after your transfer (when the embryo has attached to the uterine lining).
During my last transfer, I did not do any home pregnancy tests and I regretted it when I was completely blindsided by the negative bloodwork results. I told myself I would test at home this time.
On the night of 5 days post transfer, I took a pregnancy test. I had so much faith that this was it, this transfer would work and I was pregnant. However, the pregnancy test was stark white. I'm going to be honest, I was devastated. Only Trent knew that I tested, and I didn't want to tell anyone else. At the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was shocked. Surely I should have had a positive test if it worked, right?! And I KNEW that it had worked. But that's not what the test showed.
The next day, I decided to ride along with Trent as he ran a bunch of work errands. My original plans were to stay home and then meet my good friend for lunch, but I knew I was in no place to do that. We talked a lot in the car. I also cried a lot over that negative test. For the first time, I was doubting this transfer. We were near the beach, and I thought a lunch near the water would be nice. However, I didn't say anything because I knew that he had so much work to do. When it neared lunch, he asked me if I wanted to grab some lunch and eat by the water.
Everything about that lunch was divine. Seriously. We ended up finding a restaurant around the corner. We got back in the truck, not knowing the area, and headed across the street towards the water. There was a car leaving a front row spot in the front of the sand. We parked and noticed a covered area with a bench right on the water. We wanted to eat there, but there was a man inside. As soon as we got out of the truck, he left. We had the whole area to ourselves. We both felt like God's presence was there, and he was giving us peace. Every little detail of this last minute lunch was taken care of. Surely if He takes care of our last minute lunch plans, He would take care of our future family. I started to cry, but this time, they were tears of peace. We prayed and prayed. We didn't want to leave that beautiful little area. We took a picture there, so we could always remember that divine lunch with the Lord.
The night before our blood test, we did a quick Target run. On the way, Trent played a song for me that he had heard on his way to work. It's called "Even If" by MercyMe. I dare you to listen to it!
We cried and we prayed, telling God that this time, even if it didn't work and I wasn't pregnant, we would still trust and believe in Him and know that is GOOD. I can't say that was 100% our attitude (and definitely not my attitude) after our last failed transfer, so this was a big change in our mind and hearts. We listened to it on repeat so many times in the Target parking lot and all the way home.
We put it on repeat in our room that night and listened to it as we fell asleep.
The News
The morning of the blood test, Trent woke me up. He told me to take a home pregnancy test because he knew it would be positive. I was still scared because of what had happened a few days before. He told me to take the test and leave it in the bathroom and he would check it for me. That's what I did as I started to get ready for our doctor's appointment. Trent came out of the bathroom and told me that he saw two pink lines. I actually didn't believe him and told him I needed to see it myself. When he showed me, I literally collapsed into his arms. I started sobbing. I just had to keep checking the test. Never in my life had I seen two pink lines! I was so happy, all I could do was cry. We decided we would keep the news to ourselves until it was confirmed with a blood test later that day.
We went into our appointment feeling pretty positive (ha). We went out to breakfast after and tried to pass the time until my doctor called. We were told that she would call us around 5pm. Talk about the longest day everrrrrr. We let our families know that we would find out in the evening.
My phone rang around 1:00pm. We had just sat down to watch an episode of "FRIENDS" because I mentioned to Trent that I was just staring at my computer, unable to concentrate.
"Hi Lauren, it's Dr. Rubal. Is Trent there with you? I have great news!"
I think I started crying right then. "You're pregnant! Happy Belated Mother's Day!" *Cue more tears*
She told us that they like to see HCG levels right around 100, and mine was 93. She said that was a great number and that we should spend our weekend celebrating. She didn't have to tell us twice!
Telling our families was as joyful as I spent the last nearly four years imagining it would be! I had thought of million and one cute ways to tell everyone, but once the time finally came, I suddenly forgot all of the cute ideas. I honestly just wanted to shout it from the rooftops! And by shout, I mean cry. I never knew you could cry so many happy tears.
We also told our closest friends, most of which happen to be in our small group. They knew nearly every step of our IVF journey and knew that we would be getting news that day. Hearing and seeing their reactions was AMAZING. So many of our friends have been on this journey "with us" and as they have felt our pain, and now they finally got to feel our joy. There's nothing like "doing life" with close friends. 💜
My parents bought us this onesie the day we found out. Baby's first outfit, HA!
The Next Day
The next day was Trent's birthday. He said he already got the best present in the whole wide world, and he wasn't talking about the Lasik eye surgery we each "gave" each other as early birthday presents in April, LOL!
We woke up and went out to breakfast and then did the one thing I haven't been able to do the last few years:
We joyfully walked up and down EVERY baby aisle at Target. We oooed and awwed over all the baby products, baby clothes, strollers, carseats, etc. Finally. It was amazing.
Turn of Events AKA The Faith Test
That night, in the middle of then night I woke up feeling sick. I've had a minor reoccurring infection the last few years, and I was plagued with it again. Normally, I try to take good care of myself until I heal up, but being pregnant, I knew I wanted to be seen by a doctor. I also knew exactly what antibiotics I needed. I usually try to avoid being put on antibiotics. However, again, being pregnant, I knew I didn't want to chance it getting worse.
Trent and I got to urgent care as soon as they opened. I told them about my problem and I was seen fairly quickly. When they asked if I was on any medication, I said "I am an IVF patient, do you really want to know?" They did. So we listed all ten medications I am on. I even had to do my shot in the waiting room since it has to be done at the same time every day. When they asked if I was pregnant, for the first time ever, I got to say "Yes, I am!"
We waited to be seen by the doctor. Now I've been in this situation before. They do a quick test, give me antibiotics, and I'm out. But this time the doctor was asking me a million questions, all related to my cycle. I started to get frustrated. Finally, she said, "Well, we tested you for pregnancy and you're not pregnant. What makes you think that you are?"
I can't describe how furious I was with her at that moment.
First, of all, I didn't ask her to test me for pregnancy. Second of all, they didn't even tell me they were testing me for pregnancy. Third of all, YOU DO NOT DO THAT TO A PREGNANT WOMAN, let alone an IVF patient.
Did you see my list of current medications? I did IVF. That's how I know. Friday I had a BETA of 93. I am pregnant. The test probably showed up negative because I've been up since 3am and I've had over 100 ounces of water, trying to get rid of this infection.
"That would not affect the test, unfortunately. You're not pregnant."
Yes I am. Then Trent chimed in. "She's pregnant. Run a blood test."
"Unfortunately, if the urine test was negative, the blood test will be too." The doctor stated.
Do the blood test anyway.
At this point, I started to cry. I didn't even have 48 hours to celebrate my pregnancy before someone was telling me I wasn't pregnant.
"Oh, don't cry. If you are pregnant that's bad for the baby." Seriously?!?! She was the worst doctor ever.
We were sent to the lab downstairs and told we had to wait an hour for the results. I texted my mom and asked her to pray. Trent and I prayed together. Trent held it together, which is great, because I sure wasn't handling it well.
I knew that I was pregnant, but it's so hard to keep believing when medical professionals are telling you that you're not. What if my "knowing" was not intuition, but just wishful thinking? What if my desire for a baby was so strong that I could not accept reality?
We were finally called back into the waiting room where the same doctor came to see us. "Well, I guess you are pregnant. It's rare that the urine test is negative and the blood test is positive. I'll have to check and see what antibiotic I can give you since you're pregnant and allergic to so many." I told her the name of the pregnancy approved, non-allergy antibiotic. "Ok great, thanks, I'll write it up." Seriously?!?! Worst doctor ever.
So we should be relieved, right?
Wrong.
BETA is a blood test that measures HCG. HCG should be increasing by 53% every 48 hours in early pregnancy.
My BETA from urgent care came back at 90. It had been 93 on Friday. That's not good.
Thankfully my RE is an AMAZING doctor, unlike the urgent care doctor. We had her number for emergencies and even though it was a Sunday, we called her and she returned our call in 30 minutes.
I told her what had happened, and she assured me that everything was okay. She changed my medications around and increased me to double shots (progesterone) and put me back on bedrest, just as a precaution. She assured us that the discrepancy in the HCG level was due to the hospital using a different lab than the clinic, and we would repeat the BETA on Monday.
(I've been doing these progesterone in oil shots since April. I will continue to do them until 12 weeks. I have so many tender knots in my hips that I've run out of room to do them! It hurts to sit and it hurts to lay on my side(s). I also developed an allergic reaction to them and have had hives for two weeks now. Only 4 more weeks to go! #joysofIVF #anythingforababy)
Another Faith Test
On Monday I went for repeat bloodwork. It was a long day as we waited to hear if my HCG level increased.
This time my doctor didn't call until around 6pm.
"Lauren, is Trent there? I have bad news. Put me on speaker."
My heart sank.
"Your number is 135. It should be above 150. This isn't good. Continue the increased medication and modified bedrest and we will see you for another test on Wednesday."
That was not what we wanted to hear. Again, I experienced the internal battle of believing and having faith, and trying to be realistic.
We texted our close friends and family and asked for prayer.
On Wednesday, I went in for yet another blood test. This time I needed it to be above 210. I prayed and believed for 300.
When my doctor finally called Wednesday afternoon, she informed us that my HCG was 357. I don't even know what she said after that because I was crying tears of joy. Finally, some relief!
Because she is extremely cautious, she asked to do one more BETA on Friday. She wanted it to be in the 500's. I honestly was not worried anymore. I prayed for 1,000. My BETA on Friday was 1,037.
This time instead of scheduling a blood test, we scheduled an ultrasound. The ultrasound was 11 days away and I honestly did not know what I would do with my time if I wasn't driving to the clinic every morning for 11 days! LOL!
Ultrasound Day
Since we put in two embryos, we would find out if we had one or two babies growing. I really wanted there to be two babies because, well hello, we put in two embryos!
Talk about nervous. I don't think I have ever been more nervous in my life.
In fact, for the first time in my life, I had a high blood pressure reading.
My doctor was not there that day, so another RE performed the ultrasound. She warned us that at first, she would be taking measurements and not talking to show or showing us anything. Afterwards, she would explain everything to us. It was still early (6 weeks), so we might not be able to see/hear a heartbeat, but that didn't mean that baby wasn't doing well.
As soon as the ultrasound begun, it was very obvious to us that there was one baby in there.
I'll be honest, my heart sank a little bit. What happened to my other embie? I put in two embies, I should have TWO babies! Why does my body continually fail me?
Unlike her warning, she immediately turned the screen towards us.
"I usually do this at the end, but I can already see ---"
Trent blurted, "What is that bright white flicker?"
"That's what I wanted to show you, that's the heartbeat! Let's do this backwards. We will listen first, and I'll measure later."
She told Trent to take out his phone and record the screen as she played the heartbeat for us. Suddenly, all my disappointment feelings of losing an embryo shrank. I couldn't believe a heart was beating inside my body, and it wasn't mine! This embie was now a baby with a heartbeat!
I started crying, and by crying, I mean sobbing. I was moving so much that she couldn't focus on the heartbeat.
"Honey, if you want to hear it, you need to stay still." I did not care! I already heard what I needed to hear and the tears of joy would not stop flowing!!!
She completed the measurements and told us baby was right on track. I was still crying. LOL!
She typed the words "Hi Mommy and Daddy!" on the ultrasound and printed it out for us. My favorite picture, EVER.
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The Bear
At my clinic, once you are pregnant and released to your OB, you "graduate" and they give you a teddy bear.
In our two years of extremely frequent appointments, I have seen many women walk about with their bear.
I WANTED MY BEAR, dang it.
It represents everything what had worked so hard to get...a baby!
As we paid for our visit at the reception desk, all the nurses and staff we had gotten to know so well hugged and congratulated us. It's a bittersweet feeling to leave them! We've been seeing them for two years and they've been so amazing to us, but at the same time, leaving means that we are no longer struggling to get pregnant.
One of the girls left the room and returned with...the bear.
I couldn't believe I was finally the girl walking out with an ultrasound picture and a bear. Was this even real life!?!
I cried all the way to the car and then all the way to my moms house. When I showed her the bear (which she heard many stories about), she started to sob, too. That bear has so much meaning!
I was pregnant, baby had a heartbeat, I "graduated" from the fertility clinic. Now I was a "normal" momma-to-be, with an OB appointment and everything! The only day that the OB could get me was in my birthday (next Friday). I can't think of anything else I would rather do on my 29th birthday than see my baby!
(I thought this would be the last time at the fertility clinic - until Baby #2, of course!)
On Friday, June 16, I woke up to bleeding. Talk about scary.
I called the clinic, and even though I already "graduated," they told me to come in ASAP for an ultrasound.
Trent met me at the clinic. I was a nervous wreck.
I knew that being so sick every day was a great sign, but I also knew that bleeding is not.
Thankfully, my doctor was there this time. I was just as nervous for this ultrasound as I was for the first one.
As soon as she began the ultrasound, we saw that bright white flicker. "I see a heartbeat, this is good!" she said.
She completed the measurements, which were perfectly on track for 8 weeks. She even showed us where baby's little arms are budding. Only a mom and dad could think a black and white grainy arm buds are cute, am I right?!
She also found a subchorionic hematoma (SCH), which is the cause of the bleeding. Because it's measuring smaller than the baby's gestational sac, she is not worried.
Out of precaution, she upped my meds once again and placed me on modified bedrest until my next appointment. She is confident that the SCH will resolve itself and says they are fairly common.
Being a couch potato is not "fun" by any means, but man am I happy to be growing this baby!
And while I'm not glad that I felt the sheer terror of a bleeding episode, I am so glad that we got an unexpected sneak peak of our baby, and we got to hear that beautiful heartbeat once again!
Every single day that I am pregnant is a gift we do not take for granted.
Every day since about 5 weeks I have been sick. Morning sickness is a lie. I have all day sickness. But I'll tell you what, I'm the happiest, nauseated person on the planet!
(Baby Shirk's due date is January 25, 2019)
You know when something big (good or bad) happens in your life, and you wake up in the middle of the night or the morning and you're "reminded" of what happened?
And sometimes it's a good thing and you smile and drift back to sleep. But other times it's a bad thing and you remember and it hurts or angers you all over again?
Every night I wake up and immediately remember "Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant." It's the best feeling in the whole wide world and it will never get old.
Can't wait to meet you, Baby Shirk. You are so loved already!
Psalm 126:5, “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of
joy.”
