When IVF Fails...

Before you read any further, you'll want to read:

Infertility

Starting IVF

[Also, side note: I am not a doctor (duh), I am just sharing my IVF experience.]

Preparing for Transfer

As I previously mentioned, I had a procedure done in January to prepare for my transfer. My doctor strongly encouraged me to have it done before my transfer because she wanted to do everything she could to increase the chances of it working.

In this three year journey I have had many procedures.

This one was the absolute worst. It was hell.

I nearly passed out. And people, I was already laying down!

But I didn't care because...babies! We were now one step closer.

In January, I also started my daily cocktail of IVF medicines.

Pills, patches, and a night time shot.

This is the most painful shot.

It's progesterone in oil, and it's literally in oil. Sesame oil in case you are wondering.

And yes, it's thick. And it goes into the muscle, right at my hip.

Since Trent is now basically a medical professional😜, the shot itself didn't hurt.

But the next day...

Bruises and welts and tenderness, oh my.

The shots started before the transfer and, upon successful pregnancy, would continue until 12 weeks pregnant. I decided I just had to make the most of them because I was determined to need them for the next three months!

It's a good thing I work from home, because those shots mean I live in yoga pants. I tried to wear jeans out one day and it literally rubbed my bruises the entire time. #nothanks

Transfer Day

From the very beginning I had a feeling my transfer was going to be on February 1st - my mom's birthday!

As the appointments progressed and we got new calendars (given by the clinic with your medicine schedule and appointments), we found out I was right!

We celebrated her birthday a little early since I would be on strict bed rest the day of transfer (+ 3 days).

We were literally counting down to our transfer day. We were so excited we could not stand it. It was so hard to focus on anything other than a possible pregnancy.

I knew I would be on bed rest, so I gathered a bunch of stuff in a basket to put near the bed.  Trent and I joked about how he would have to wait on me hand and foot, and I won't lie, I was looking forward to it! 😂

The morning of transfer, we had a leisurely breakfast together, did our devotion, and made sure the bed was ready for me when I got home.

The appointment is supposed to be quick. The transfer itself takes 20 minutes, and they make you stay laying down for another 30 minutes after that.

[[pic] My mom got me this snowflake bracelet for Christmas. It represents our frozen embryos. I wear it every single day. ❄️💜]

I had butterflies. I was elated. I couldn't believe after three years +, this was finally happening.

Two of my sweet friends made me a transfer goodie bag. This shirt was so soft and the saying on it was so true!

When we got to the office, all the nurses (who we've now become friends with) were all telling us how excited they were for us. It was so sweet.

We got situated in the transfer room and waited for the doctor. When she came, she brought and introduced us to the embryologist. They confirmed the embryos were ours. We were going to put it two Grade AA 5-day hatched embryos. He left to return to the embryos, and he would come and bring them back "just in time" for the transfer.

Our doctor asked us what music we wanted to listen to. I was a bit surprised. I told her I literally had no thoughts other than "oh-my-goodness-I'm-so-excited" and told her I didn't care what music was on. She let me know if I changed my mind, I could just ask Alexa to start playing the song/artist.

All I could think was, "Okay, so we already have to have the doctor, a nurse, and an embryologist in the room while I get knocked up, do we really need Alexa too?!" 🤣

One of my nurse friends told us to have Trent pull out his cell phone and film the ultrasound machine once the embryologist returned. She told us to watch for the two "shooting stars" on the screen. Those would be our embryos in my uterus. I am so glad she told us to do this.

The moment I watched the embryos go in on the ultrasound screen literally took my breath away. Tears streamed down my face. Tears of joy. Finally.

My doctor told us that we would be back for our blood test on Saturday, February 10th.  She said we would come in the morning for the blood test, and she would call us with the news later whether it was good or bad.

We had previously been told we would find out on Monday, February 12th (today).  We decided to keep the date change a secret so we could surprise our friends and family with the good news. After all, we were positive (pun intended) it was going to work...

[pic] The beautiful sunset on the way home from our transfer.

P.S. Trent grew his beard from Day 1 of IVF (in November) and did not to shave it until after our transfer! 

The "Two Week Wait"

P.U.P.O. is what they call it.

Pregnant until proven otherwise.

For the next few days, I followed my doctor's bedrest and orders.

I ate and drank warm foods and kept my feet warm. #warmfeetwarmuterus 😂

Our friends and family graciously (and unnecessarily) brought us delicious meals and sent me sweet little gifts and treats.

My mother-in-law sent us a bell via Amazon so I could "call" Trent when I needed anything. HAHAHA. He was not amused, especially since he thought that I ordered it myself!

Once that was over, I went back to somewhat of a normal routine.

I did 20 minute prenatal yoga sessions in place of the regular 90-minute yoga I had been doing.

I followed every single one of their no lifting/no exercising rules (no worries, yoga is approved).

I worked (from the couch).

...and I relaxed.

Honestly, I barely left the house!

I worked and smiled and worked and smiled. #finallyIVF

I cooked.

...and I convinced Trent to watch a lot of Netflix with me.

Everyone kept asking me how I felt. Other than tender hips from the PIO shots, I felt great.

Sometimes this made me worry. After all, so many of my friends told me how sick they were when they were pregnant. But in the end, I assumed it was just way too early for morning sickness.

Every day we talked about getting a positive test, our future due date, wondering if we would have one or twins...

We were full of hope and we were OH SO positive. Maybe too positive?

The Negative Results

The day of our blood test, we went to Newport with our friends. We brought picnic lunches, rented a Duffy, and went around the harbor. It was a beautiful, fun day. The perfect day to get good news.

We had already planned how we were going to surprise each of our parents. And we were just giddy about it. After all, they thought we wouldn't know for a few more days.

A few minutes after we got in the car after our picnic and boat ride, the phone rang. Only it wasn't my doctor's phone number, it was the infertility clinic. I was confused since normally my doctor calls me from her phone.

Trent pulled over. I answered and put it on speaker phone. My heart was beating out of my chest.

"Hi, Lauren, it's Jennifer..."

Jennifer? Who is Jennifer? We know all the girls that work at the clinic - Alyssa, Lauren, Heidi, we don't know a Jennifer?

"We got your results back and they're negative. You can stop all your medications now. We will call you next week to schedule a follow up. Goodbye."

That was it.

Suddenly, I was nauseous. Only it wasn't "morning sickness." I was instantly sick because I could not believe this didn't work.

Trent grabbed the phone from me as head fell into my lap. This could not be.

I saw the two embryos inside of me. With my own two eyes. Trent did too.  We have the video. How can they not take? Our chances were 65%!

I can understand not getting pregnant on our own with my 2% chance every month, but not the month where our chance was 65%!

The pills, the patches, the suppositories (I said I was going to keep it real, #sorrynotsorry), the nightly shots. How did it not work?

Where the hell are my embryos?!

Is "Jennifer" sure? I don't even know who that is! Why didn't my doctor call me? Or my nurse coordinator? Maybe Jennifer called on the wrong person.

I don't even know how long we sat on the side of PCH while I cried my eyes out, but it was a LONG time.

And while I am keeping it real, I just have to say:

While it is most certainly NOT about the money. And life is not about money. And babies (lives!) are worth more than all the money in the world...

I was sick knowing that we spent $25,000, and it failed.

That for three years I told myself, "If worst comes to worst, there's always IVF," and now, it failed.

More Embryos

We still have 6 embryos. However, we didn't qualify for any of the money-back guarantee programs (based on diagnosis), so we will have continue to pay our way.

By God's grace it is possible, but that doesn't mean it is easy.

I think it's even more so a punch-to-the-gut when you think about the fact that procreating is supposed to be free.

We've already spent our child's college fund and they aren't even born yet!

Now What?

This Valentines Day is not what we hoped. We don't get to surprise our friends and families with a onesie. We no longer have our 6 week "heartbeat" appointment scheduled at the end of the month.

Apparently, my doctor was on a plane. She is out of town for the next three weeks, so we can't even have our follow-up appointment until then. If she wasn't gone, it would have been today.

Personally, we really need that appointment. My mind races through a million "what if's" and "what nows" and I think that appointment would help clarify some of those things and provide us with some closure.

It will also give us a game plan for moving forward.

We have 6 embryos left. Four of those are frozen in pairs (two and two). That means we can try/do four more transfers (single, single, pair, pair).

I want to do it ASAP, but at the same time, I don't.

I'm now afraid of another negative and running out of embryos.

IVF & Control 

Due to our circumstances, we have the opportunity to talk to many couples about our experience with IVF.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I totally respect that.

I've had quite a few people tell me they think that doing IVF is "playing God" because it gives humans the power to "make life."

God did not have to give mankind the grace (or brain power) to figure out how to do IVF. Sure it's a "man-made" process, but only because God allowed it to be.

In case you're wondering, you feel ZERO power and ZERO control when doing IVF.

What happens to the eggs, sperm, and embryos is completely out of your hands, the doctor's hands, even the embryologist's hands.

Ultimately, God is the giver of life.

And this time, he chose not to bless us with one (nor two).

I don't understand it.

My heart is literally broken into a million pieces over it.

Finally, some good.

Trent has been incredible throughout this entire process. Aside from dealing with the side effects of all of the hormones I've had to take, and making sure to be home by 7:30pm each night to give me my shot, he's shown me an abundance of grace and kindness as I've tried to wrap my heart and mind around our failed cycle.

Every time I've burst into tears, he has comforted me and let me cry.

I've literally kept him up all night for two nights now, and he hasn't complained once.

He's cooked me food and brought me drinks.

He's taken me to Home Goods (twice) just because he knows it distracts me (for twenty-ish minutes).

He didn't think twice when I begged him to work from home with me today instead of driving in.

Honestly, he's waited more on me in the last three days than he had to during my bed rest.

He has been SO, so good to me. More than I could have ever asked for.

I know he's in just as much pain as I am, but he continues to put me first and make sure I'm okay.

I jokingly told him, "God didn't need to have our transfer fail to make me grateful for you, I was grateful for you before this, promise!"

Most importantly, he's encouraged me.

He reminds me that it's not over, that God won't leave us here.

He continues to talk about the days when this will all be behind us, when we have to sell our convertible for a family car and wake up every few hours to comfort a crying baby.

He notices when my eyes well up with tears and sneaks in a corny joke before I can start a sob session.

He snuggles me on the couch even though I know he's burning up because I insist on having the fireplace on and a blanket over us even though its 75 degrees.

He's an awesome husband, and I'm so grateful.

I just can't wait to see him as a dad.

Hope

We do believe God is still good, despite our circumstances.

That doesn't mean we can't or won't be sad.

But we know that this sadness will not last forever.

One day, we will be parents.

I swear we will be the happiest freaking parents on the face of this Earth.

Until then, we wait.

We don't know what He's trying to teach us, but we will keep trying to learn.

We don't know why He's writing our story like this, but we will keep sharing it.

We don't' know when we will finally have a baby, but we will keep looking forward to it.

Even when IVF fails...we still have hope.

Thank you Jesus.

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